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22 June 2000
Now it can be told. I've made it through my second ever therapy appointment. Okay...so that's not as interesting news as going to one's first. I concede. But the second appointment was the one where the therapist agreed to continue seeing me. Next appointment is in a month.
6 June 2000
Made it through my first ever therapy appointment. The first session was useful for me. Words just tumbled out. Did I make any sense, though? Welllll...you'd have to ask my therapist.
My therapist asked me a question that put me on the spot, "Are you happy?" It felt like it took minutes for me to answer, "No". Thinking about that moment since, I realise that there is a profound difference between, for instance, being grateful for having wonderful friends and family and in being "happy".
Just like me. I'm a terrible shopper. I go into a store with a vague idea of what I want. I walk out with a new pair of shoes. I am committed to my new pair of shoes-as long as they don't give me a terrible case of blisters. They are "my" shoes. It feels good to say "my" shoes. The same for using "my" in front of therapist. The reality is, I go back in just over two weeks. She and I are due to talk some more and see where it leads. Perhaps, she will be "my" therapist. We shall see...as the decision belongs equally to both of us.
It's a bit uncanny how the book on Laing is helping me center. Books have often played that kind of centering role in my life. I remember how much Ann Beattie's "Chilly Scenes of Winter" helped me get through a particularly bleak period in my life. And two years ago, when we were working on an internal reorganisation at work, John Grey's bio of Laing helped me focus on some particular values-related issues relevant to work.
I was also reminded yesterday of the importance of trying to describe myself without recourse to stereotypes...primarily stereotypes about women. What does it mean to "feel more like a woman than a man?"
3 June 2000
Feeling pretty in-between-ish, I found a couple of links from a google search on
"third
sex":
http://pkwan.scu.edu/kwanlaw2/reading/herdt.htm
http://www.whitecranejournal.com/wc01026.htm
I also found an interesting interview with Kate Bornstein
Okay, I admit to it. I am incredibly nervous about my counseling appointment scheduled for this coming Monday morning. I am not even sure why. Is that more reason to be concerned? Yikes!
Still, some people are better at articulating their own internal processes to themselves than to others...
...on the other hand, quoting from my newest read, "But regardless of where he finds himself at any given moment, said Heidegger, the individual is never completely self-aware and never incapable of self-deception, of concealing something from himself."
Okay. I'll fess up. I really do want two little breasts. Using hormones. No implants. Is that such a bad thing? I want peace on earth too! ...and justice!
1 June 2000
"Slow down you move too fast..."
On the advice of a good friend, I think I will check out the TG support
group at the Pacific Center. Hmmmm...there go my Friday nights.
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